Tale of Two Insomniacs

This has not been a good sleep week for us. Sunday night was rough with baby girl waking up. We didn't get much sleep that night, and I had to wake up at 7am, while she soared the skies of dreamland. Bugger!
On Monday I was determined, no matter how tired I felt that evening, that I'd start the gym that night after I put girlie to bed. For once everything went smoothly, and she fell asleep right away, and I was able to run away to the gym. I'm happy to say, I pushed through and worked my little tushy (and non-existent abs) off!! Got home, cleaned up the small messes hubby didn't get to, and tumbled into bed satisfied. Girlie woke at 3:30am as per her usual torture routine these nights, but we got through the festivities mostly unscathed.  Then came Tuesday…
All day at work I was zombie-like. Thank goodness I've gotten good at scattering paper around my desk and shuffling them around to look busy!  Had my usual morning cup of java first thing in the morning. That wasn't enough to get me fired as one of the extras of The Walking Dead, so I had a second. Trudged through the day exerting as little energy as possible, until that afternoon when I passed a co-worker's desk and smelled what seemed like Heaven in a cup. Coffee! But another cup? Do I dare? Hells yeah! And suddenly all was right with the world again. To paraphrase Goldfinger, it made me wanna kiss all the puppy dogs, smell the flowers and plant a tree, I gotta say that Coffee, he's da bomb!

*BOOM!!!*

Flash forward to 7:30pm. Putting little one to sleep. She tossed and turned and rolled and wiggled, quarrelled to sleep in her crib. I eventually pulled her onto the bed to cuddle and hopefully fall asleep. I may have dozed for 20 minutes as well, but I looked up at 8:30 and she was finally asleep. So I snuck her into her crib and went outside to do the usual nighttime/before bed chores. Kissed hubby good night, left him in front the TV while I jumped into bed to sleep at 10pm…or so I thought. My body wasn't ready to knock out yet, so I played some games on my phone before sleeping…Flash to 11pm, hubby jumps into bed just as I put away my phone. Yay, sleep time! Or so I thought…Now it's my turn to toss and turn and roll and wiggle…12am Maybe I can read a while and that will help me fall asleep….1am The reading didn't work, but I feel the Sandman's grains making my eyes heavy at last…And suddenly, little one wakes up. And no amount of patting, shushing, or rubbing her back will help. I pull her out of bed and go warm up her bottle (way earlier than normal, but I'm trying anything). Bring her back to bed and feed her. She drinks, til she's full, and she's still up. I decide to lay her down between daddy and I. Toss and turn and roll and wiggle, sticking her foot in daddy's mouth, grabbing daddy's nose, climbing, and all sorts of antics. Poor hubby gets the brunt of it. Hell, my sleep is already shot for the night, it's 2am and I haven't slept yet, so may as well try and save hubby more torture. So I whisk her outside and walk her vigorously up and down the living room and kitchen. Nothing. Even in my arms she's wiggling non-stop. That's obviously not working so I squirrel us away to a dark corner of the couch and basically keep her captive til she's so bored she falls asleep. Finally at 3am I take her back to our room, put her in her crib and fall asleep myself. Til 3 hours later the blare of the alarm wakes me up and the cycle starts again.

Oh the joys.

Colour me Red

My hair is a mess! I have so many greys I think I could pass for girlie's grandma! And I haven't cut my hair in months. I asked my husband since the beginning of November to let me know an afternoon that he could pick up girlie from my mom's after work, so that I could be free to go do my hair. 3 weeks pass, and I look haggier and haggier by the day!! So I put my foot down last Thursday. "Honey, how's my hair looking? Kinda crappy right? That's cause you won't give me a chance to go do my hair!! Do you want to walk around with me looking like this? Isn't it embarrassing to you? I don't have to look at me, but you do, don't you wish I would do my hair?!? I'm going to the salon tomorrow, so pick up the baby after work!!!" That worked J He complained vehemently about my taking away is Friday evening when he was planning to go have some drinks with the boys but tough luck!

So finally I cut my hair, but I didn't have time or money to have the salon colour it, so I bought a beautiful Red Revlon ColorSilk Luminista.

                                                                                     

The nest day, Saturday, Hubby had to step out, and it was just little one and me at home. So I timed her, so that when she went down for her nap, I'd quickly colour my hair and have it washed out by the time she wakes up. Man (or Woman in this case) makes plans and God laughs!

After walking her vigorously throughout the house, then standing with her in front the fan and singing, she finally falls asleep. And the clock starts!!  I quickly read the instructions (I've coloured my hair thousands of times, but I MUST read the instructions first every time :-S Weird huh?) and get started. JUST as I finished applying all the colour to my hair I hear her screams! I freeze…what to do? Leave her? Maybe she'll fall back asleep…Pick her up? But what about the dye in my hair? And how will I ever wash it out with that little monkey attached to me? So I tried to leave her while my hair colour developed. But she bawled and screamed, and there was no way she was going back to sleep. So I dug through the dust incrusted cupboard under the sink and found a plastic shower cap, threw that on, and yanked her out the crib. Poor thing was sobbing by that time!!! Poor little darling! *sigh*

She was fascinated by the cap on my head, but happily she did not try to grab it off. So we played for the 30 minutes while the colour developed, but now it was crunch time, time to wash out my hair. What to do with the squirming wiggly little thing? *Ping!!* I know what to do! So I drag her highchair into my very tiny bathroom, grab some baby snacks and BINGO! Plop her into her chair right in front the shower (the bathroom's really tiny, so there's no other choice anyway), leave the shower curtains open while I bathe and feed her puffs. She's most amused to watch the red flow out my hair, and sits back with her snacks and takes in the scene. Amazingly she actually sat quietly for the whole thing, just screaming up at me when she was ready for more puffs.

Lol, it worked out well! A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do to get through!

Started Solids

It's been such a long time since I posted, so this is a long post! Be warned!! :-)

She’s going to be 29 Weeks old tomorrow, she’s about 6.75 months old. She’s getting so big so fast! I can’t believe how fast it passes…more than half a year old!

She’s been exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months, and on her 6^th month birthday she had her very first “solid”! Happy Bellies Oatmeal cereal. She loves it at first, she really enjoyed that meal. After that first day though, she was neither here nor there about it. I didn’t push the issue and feed it to her every day. But by now, mom has taken over feeding cereal to her every morning. To me, it’s not a necessary food, I’d rather feed real foods! Like Apple! That was the next feed we’ve given her…but not as baby food, it was a proper rectangular slice of apple that she held on to and sucked the dear life out of. She loved it!

I’ve given her a couple of pieces since then, she loves sucking it…I think she’s had like 4 pieces total. Yesterday may have been the last time I give her for a while…I’m not sure I’m ready for this Baby Lead Weaning type feeding…she started gagging on a small piece of apple that must have gone down her throat, and as much as in my head I was saying “it’s ok, don’t panic, it’s just her natural reaction to something solid going down her throat, she’s not choking”, I PANICED and just about stuck my entire finger down her throat to see if anything was lodged in there! She was fine of course, but I wasn’t, and that was the end of the Apple….

Oh, she had a lick of a strawberry as the 3 thing she ever tasted. The inside of course, after I’d bitten it. That was so funny to see. I guess it’s very tangy, so her face was almost disgusted, but she kept going back to it to taste again J

Then on 10^th Aug I feed her her first puree. I really had grand intentions of feeding a vegetable first, following the theory that if she starts on fruits she may not like less sweet things like veggies. But I got to over-zealous, and there was a ripening Mango on the counter, so I did that for her. I just cut off a face, and strained it through a strainer/sieve. It was a Julie Mango, so not much fibers, all juicy mango goodness. Quick and easy to prepare.

I thought it was gonna blow her mind, I thought she’d love it….No big reaction. We feed her the mango once a day for 4 days 10^th – 13^th (I feed her Saturday 10^th, Sunday, and mom give her Monday and Tuesday). And all that time…no big excitement. Well, if MANGO doesn’t excite her, I have no real hope for her loving all the other things to come!!

Today I gave her Sweet Potato. I had baked it last night (50 mins in the oven at 350°) and when it was cooled, just scooped it out, mushed it up with a fork, but wasn’t satisfied, so threw it in a little food processor for a couple of minutes, then portioned out 1 big teaspoonful per contained. I wanted to be the one to feed it to her for the first time, so I didn’t send mummy any food for her. (I think she was very disappointed, but I’M the mom, so I don’t really care). So this evening when I was ready to feed her, I mixed in for breastmilk, and feed her. I think this was the most texture she’s ever experienced, and she was not impressed. She did a lot of gagging (no panic from momma this time!!) But we played through it, and I praised her a lot, and sang, and played, so in the end she eat a lot of it (almost almost all). I didn’t want the lumpiness and the gagging to leave her with a bad taste in her mouth (hehe, see what I did there?!?) so I tried to make things as happy and playful as possible. So all in all the sweet potatoes went well. And I’ll give mom to feed her more. I think I may feed her in the evening too, or maybe even feed her mango in the evening, I have some in the freezer I can give her. I can’t wait to start her on something else new!

Christening tomorrow

Baby girl is 4 months old day! I can hardly believe it. And tomorrow we'll be Christening her.

I feel so frustrated with DH right now, I feel as if he hasn't done a thing to help me with this Christening. He's bearly been involved at all. We're having a little get together after the church christening, at his parents' house. But I've been the one to do the majority of the organising. All he did was call the 4 families on his side of the guest list. Otherwise it's like pulling teeth with him!! Even just to sit and hash out all the details was such an ordeal!! And now I've been pointing out things that we didn't do today that we should have, and that we have to do tomorrow and he's so....don't-care-ish! And now, he's sleeping on the couch....He really really has been driving me crazy lately. I honestly don't feel like he's in this parenting thing with me all the way. And it makes me want to cry. I think he feels "been there done that" and just couldn't be bothered. Sure he spends time with LO, but I can't say if he really actively seeks out and wants to. He talks big, but his actions don't reflect it. He took no days off when we first got home from the hospital when she was born, he went partying twice 2 weeks later (I'll still never forgive him for that), even now, usually once a week after work he'd stay out liming and drinking, and come home after she's in bed and drunk. And then hungover and miserable all teh next day. He obviously isn't rushing to spend time with her on those occassions!

*Sigh* I love him but he breaks my heart. And I know he loves her, but...not enough to change or bend his lifestyle I guess.

And now that I have LO to deal with, I've kind of had to step away from parenting SD cause I don't have enough time. And I've been trying to leave things in his hands, but he can be so self centred sometimes!! Tonight he ate dinner at 8pm, our normal dinner time. But he never even put out for SD or asked if she was hungry and ready to eat! So I tried to leave it alone and see if he'd remember her, but by 9 I had to call her to come and eat dinner, and put out her food. Why do I have to do this, why isn't he remembering to take care of his child? *Sigh* Is this how Husbands are?Is this "normal" behaviour? Or is something deeper wrong here?

I just wish I had my best friend back to help my raise this child with. The decision to get pregnant was NOT mine alone! He wanted it just as much. In fact, he was teh one who used to talk about it more than me! So how did I lose him?

Once again, I seem to have given up everything for this one thing, isn't that something. It was worth it, but it breaks my heart to pieces.



"One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

It's Friday! A full week complete!

Ok, this week was my first full week of work. It's great to reach Friday!
My little darling has been doing so well though. The first 2 days were tough for her, she didn't want to take the bottle. And when I picked her up on an evening, she'd be desperate to nurse, and she'd nurse every hour until bedtime.
But by day 3, which was last week Friday, she was doing great and drinking almost 3oz per feeding.
She still likes to cluster feed all evening, but I don't mind. It's good bonding time for us.
She's doing so well with my mom. She's learning new things every day.
Now my MIL wants her. I had hoped my MIL would come to my house to mind her, but now, because my FIL is sick, she can't come down here, but she still wants to mind baby now and then when I'm at work :-/ So she's offered to come and pick her up on a morning and I pick her back up on an evening. It sucks though cause then I won't be able to go and visit LO and nurse her at lunchtime. It's breaking my heart to allow my MIL to take her. But I've finally given in and she'll be going there on Monday. She actually asked/pushed for her on Monday AND Tuesday, but I can't handle that! So I'll have to break it to her that it will just be Monday.
As it is I'm paranoid about it. She's so different from my mother...I know my mother's parenting style and I'm confident and comfortable with it. And my mother is younger and fitter. I just am finding it so hard to trust my MIL. *sigh* Does she know what she's asking for, to mind a little 4 month old? LO still needs constant entertainment and attention. It's really exhausting! Can she handle it? Will she be leaving my baby crying in a bedroom? *sigh* It's so hard to let go and trust her...but I guess I have to.
Anyway, that's Monday, I have days in between. Let's not think about it anymore.
We're Christening LO next weekend. That's drama in itself, but I'll get into that next time.
I'm getting tired, I think I'll go lie down now.

Back out to work

So Maternity Leave is done and I'm back out to work today. I had to leave her with my mom. It wasn't too awful, I guess I've been preparing mentally for so long that by this morning I had accepted the inevitable. Although, I have to admit, I shed some silent tears on my pillow last night.
It's after 10am now and I'm in a toilet stall at work expressing milk, lol! So far so good.
......
Ok, it's now 3:30 and I'm back in the bathroom expressing again! Went to my mom's at lunchtime to see and nurse baby. She was sleeping though :-( Which actually worked out ok cause I got a chance to eat lunch first then eventually work her up to nurse. I got to love her up a little then it was back to work! I'm still doing ok. Just less than an hour and I can go get her!!
......
It's 10:17pm and I about to jump into bed. I'm exhausted! Picked her up, and since nursed like 5 times since then. Poor thing hardly drank from her bottle at all today and just wants to nurse and cuddle. I love her, I'm so sorry she had a hard day! And I hate having to put her through it again tomorrow! My poor baby! Too. Exhausted. To. Write. More...zzzzzzzzz
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Couch Husband

Baby's over 14 weeks old and my husband still won't sleep in the bedroom with us. The bugger was complaining today how sleeping on the couch has his back hurting and I tried to convince him to come back to our bed, but he's sleeping on the couch outside again. I miss him. I know he is a light sleeper though and its hard for him to fall back asleep when he wakes up...but she doesn't wake up often, usually just once. And a weekend is the perfect time to come back to the bed, cause if anything, he won't have to wake up early for work. I hope he comes back soon. Although I must admit I like having the bed to myself and can bring LO onto it to snuggle and fall back to sleep in the morning.
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Woes Part 2

*sigh* I'm sorry to turn this blog into complaints I've experienced as a Stepmom, but I know my husband wants no part of hearing about it, and I really need to vent.

So tomorrow is SD's birthday. And this week she was by her mom. But all of a sudden SD's Mom called up DH and says SD isn't gonna go to school tomorrow and will come over here for half day, and then the mother will pick her up. She now her mother brought her here this afternoon to spend the night and will pick her up at 12 noon tomorrow.
I have so many issues with this!
1) And this I guess is first and foremost: I HATE the assumption that she could just leave her home with me, and that I had no other plans that she's disrupting. True, I didn't have anything in mind, but honestly, these are my very last few days home alone with my LO and I really just enjoy the precious 1-on-1 time, lying in bed together, loving up, with no one interfering. I hate that no one even ASKED me if this plan was ok, seeing as I'M the one doing the baby-sitting!!!
2) WHY take the child out of school for her birthday?!? Sets a bad precedence. So she just chooses when she can stay home from school now?
3) This "plan" by the mother was supposedly so SD could spend time with daddy on her b'day...but daddy's working!! How will that make sense?!?  That was OBVIOUSLY a piece of crap excuse for the REAL reason for this asinine plan!!!! Which leads me to:
4) THE REAL REASON THE MOTHER SENT HER HERE IS BECAUSE SHE'S MOVING TOMORROW!! I'm sure it's the true reason for this "plan". So why the crap story?!? Why not just be truthful? Ask me if I can take care of her for half a day. Why the stories and lies? I hate those sneaky deceitful ways!!! I would have been so much sweeter and accommodating if she'd just asked. But instead, this whole situation has me riled up and aggressive, and I was very snippy at her, and maybe to SD too. And I'm trying to control my temper now, but she really pissed me off! And I wish I could tell off DH too, cause he helped to put me in this situation, by not giving me all the information, and then by agreeing to the stupid plan without consulting me! If I could have found something to do tomorrow, I would have told them I couldn't watch SD just to spit them all!!
Anyway, rant done for now, DH just got home....

Woes of a Step Mom

I am grateful for our blended family, and for the most part my step daughter's mom gives us no trouble, and we all get along fine. But every now and again she does something to aggravate the crap out of me and I just need to complain!!
I think my number 1 pet peeve is when she brings food for SD, or takes her out to do whatever, and ends up buying her junk food. All she ever buys is junk food, or snacks. But we generally have home cooked meals waiting on her at home! Does she feel that we don't feed SD? Why fill her up with junk?? And then the food we've cooked goes to waste, and she's pumped with unhealthy crap!
I also hate her interfering with how we run our household. She'll call SD up and tell her to do this or that, or ask stupid questions like, did you bathe and have you brushed our teeth. As if we don't take care of her...duh! Of course we're making sure she does all that stuff. Why do you feel you need to call and make sure. He's her FATHER! He can take care of her! AND he has me to help, 2 parents at this home, as opposed to her alone, babying every move SD makes (and she'll be 10 in a few days!!). So aggravating.
And finally, the least of the peeves, but still a big one...why much she come over to visit, or take her out while SD is spending her time with us? We share SD 1 week on, 1 week off...why steal her away from her time with Daddy...and now her baby sister. Forget me, I'm not important even though SD love me and I love her, but to me the most important is fostering those relationships. So why interfere? You have your time with her, leave us with ours!!!

Life as a Step Mom.
I'm not sure I truly have the right to these complaints, but it's how I feel. DH has his own differing complaints about her, and apparently doesn't want to "encourage me" by listening to mine. So I'll save my rant for here.

Breastfeeding Update

To all those Mommas out there who are now starting to breast feed: I know it’s hard, I know it sucks, and it hurts. I know your nipples are sore, and maybe even cracked and bleeding. And maybe baby isn’t doing it right, and you’re frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. But take my word for it…It gets better!

Give yourself 3-4 weeks, and I promise it starts to get better.

I had such a rough start. My baby was premature and her sucking reflex had not come in as yet, so I had to express drop by precious drop, starting first to gather in a little spoon, til later when I was able to machine-expressed into a bottle, 0.5oz at a time, and feed her from a little medicine cup. Finally, by day 5 she got a hang of sucking, and I was able to stop feeding her from the cup.

But it hurt so much; her little mouth couldn’t properly take in my whole breast, so she used to suck just the nipple. Sometimes I was in so much pain feeding her that I would cry streams while she sucked, and I had to count the seconds trying to separate myself from the pain, knowing she’d be done soon, and that I HAD to do this for my little baby.

My right nipple was very flat, so getting her to take that one was always more difficult. And then that one got cracked and started bleeding, and was hell to feed her from. By that point my poor husband, seeing me in all that pain, was practically begging me to feed her formula instead. But I was determined.

I had to feed her only from the left boob, and express the right in order to maintain my supply in it while it healed.
And eventually it did heal one day. But by then she had established the left boob as her favourite one, and the milk production was twice what the right made.

Weeks passed, and I was still miserable but determined to keep going. Breast feeding tied me down, and stole my time, but my little one was worth it. And eventually, the supply in my right almost matched that of my left.

And then one day I realized it wasn’t hurting any more. I didn’t LOVE breast feeding though; I found it messy and miserable and uncomfortable still, but bearable. And it’s best for my baby, so I was determined.

My little one is now 3 months old, and today I realized, I LOVE breast feeding her. I still think it’s messy (she’s a messy eater and pulls away a lot), and it’s still uncomfortable sometimes, and I still hide away from everyone when I need to feed her, too shy to feed in public, but I love doing it. And not just cause it’s best for her.

The bond you experience is so intimate. And the way she sometimes looks up at me and smiles while nursing absolutely melts my heart. I love that kid.
I’ll be starting back work in a little over a week, and I’m dreading being away from her, so I know that those feeding times will be even more special when we’re together again.

I aim to keep feeding her until she’s about 7 or 8 months, but now I completely understand those moms who continue to nurse until age 2 or even later. I don’t think I’ll be that mom, but I understand her better. And I hope to be able to give my precious baby this gift of liquid gold for as long as possible. I’m starting to wonder if I can wean her at 8 months but continue to express til she’s at least a year. We’ll see what happens. But I digress…

As I was saying at the beginning….

To all you new mothers out there now starting to breast feed, I promise it gets better, keep it up. I know it’s hard, but you’re strong, you just had a baby after all! It’s worth it to your baby, and it’s worth it for the bond you share together, that no one else can share. Keep it up, you can do it!

Interrupted Bedtime

So tonight we ended up having some friends and family at our house. Including my mother-in-law. So I made sure and let her hold baby as much as possible, so she had plenty of bonding time. I even pushed back baby's bedtime to be a little later. So finally I took little one and bathed her and did our getting-ready-for-bed routine. Once dressed and ready to sleep I took her outside and let everyone, one by one, say goodnight to her. I didn't rush anyone, letting whoever wanted to hold her. Finally we went inside to nurse and for her to fall asleep.
Tell me why then my MIL thinks she needed to come into the bedroom while I'm nursing and proceed to talk to baby as she's trying to sleep!! I literally had to bite my tongue!! I was very standoffish to her and I think she eventually took the hint and left.
But I had little one tell everyone goodnight for a reason!! Why did she think she needed to come in the room?
And that wasn't the first time she irritated me tonight. She had to make comments on baby's nightgown, her crib, and the way I held her. So annoying.


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Inequality

Sorry I haven't posted in a while. And now I just want to post a complaint:
When you become a mom, everything changes. You're life will never be the same. You focus is first and foremost the new little life you've brought into the world. Sure you'd love to do the things you used to, and try to fit that old life in with the new but really, that never works.
But for DAD! Well gosh darn it, his life is just the same as before!!! Still gets to sleep through the night, still gets to party, still goes out drinking after work...oh wait, one thing changes...his exhausted wife doesn't seem to want sex as much any more...I wonder why??
*grumblegrumble*
Whatever!
Kinda makes me wish I was a single mother! I seem to do everything anyway! I might have more time for myself alone!




Ok, rant over. I love my husband, I'm just tired and frustrated tonight.
Good night.

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MIL

OMG my MIL is working my last nerve right now! She's been with me day today since 6am and I think I've had enough!! So over the passive aggressive sh*t! Trying to shove the notion down my throat that its because I don't have something to drink "something, anything" before I nurse that that's the reason baby gets gripe! Who made you a freaking doctor!!!
So I'm taking a night off tonight. Not even a full night, I'm taking some hours off, to lime with husband and have a few drinks. Baby has expressed milk. But I have to keep hearing her in the background "mummy can't feed you, mummy's having wine, you can't feed you tonight". Oh give me a break, don't make it out to be a big deal! Give me a freaking break! I'm not neglecting my child, I'm taking a couple drinks with my husband for the first time since before I knew I was pregnant, and baby has her bottle to drink...and later tonight she'll be tapping the tap once again. So get off my back with your passive aggressive mumblings!
Why are you still here anyway, shouldn't you be heading home?

Ok. Vent over.
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Birth Control

A screaming newborn baby is the world's best birth control method! LOL! It works so well that not only does it work for the parents, but for siblings, neighbours, and visiting friends and family!!
Seriously! Just after 5 mins of it, no one wants to take the chance of having sex and getting pregnant!!
Hell, for the parents, just having a newborn is enough to prevent sex. Not cause you don't want it (I have a box on condoms begging to be used!), but because it takes so much to coordinate! I'm ready now, and finally baby has fallen back asleep...but husband has fallen asleep too.
Ah well...maybe tomorrow night...


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Good days and bad

It's been a trying week. Some days good, some not so good.

It seems that as soon as I get in the shower, or finally get a moment to make some food and am now about to sit down and eat, she wakes up and starts to bawl.

A friend and her 2yr old came over yesterday to make dinner for us. That was more trouble than it was worth! The 2yr old had me stressed the whole time! First, he woke my little one as soon as he got there (after I took what seemed like forever to get her asleep). Then he was just a mini hurricane throughout the house while his mom cooked. Coupled with that, my LO was going through a growth spurt and cluster feeding every 20 mins to an hour.

And now I've been worrying that something is wrong with my LO cause she cries all the time (or so it seems). Someone on one of the baby websites forums suggested she might have Silent Reflux when I was complaining about it. So I've been researching it. It could be true maybe. I have to see for a few more days.

It's a funny thing though. No matter the stressful day or how lonely I've felt, or stressed, when she's quiet, she's just the absolute most precious thing in my world.

And here's the hard part

I think my baby is broken, she keeps crying all the time, can I return her for a refund?
Just kidding of course but oh my lorse, we have entered the colic stage and its as awful as they tell you! But no matter how much they tell you about it, it could never prepare you for it. The emotional drain it is to have your poor innocent baby crying as if surely she's in pain, but being completely and utterly powerless to help it.
It's been only 3 days of it so far and I'm a wreck. Speaking of which, I better go going, its nearly 12am and I need to sleep...before this bigger wakes back up!!


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Life is kicking my ass

Life is kicking my ass these days!
I picked up a stomach bug yesterday, and spent the day either sitting on or hugging the porcelain throne. :( And today my stomach is in PAIN!

And I don't seem to be sleeping well, I keep trying to sleep while baby is sleeping, but can't. In fact, while she's up I keep trying to get her back asleep, struggling to stay awake myself, but the moment she's down...I don't seem to be able to sleep. And when I finally fall asleep, she wakes up!

And it seems nothing is going right with my application for National Insurance reimbursement. I keep trying to apply and they keep rejecting it, saying I'm missing this or that paperwork. And to make matters worse, I seemed to have lost all my original documents. Can't find my birth certificate, can't find my marriage certificate...no idea where all my papers have disappeared to! I'm normally so organized! Where is all my stuff?!? *sigh*

So in the meantime, National Insurance can't pay the half salary that they are supposed to, and so we have too little money to cover all the bills. Just 1 stress after the other. Not to mention the fact that I need to reimburse my Father-in-law for as much of the $40,000 he paid for my C-section. And I have a maxed out $45,000 credit card. And I'm still trying to get $4000 that I still owe my OB for the delivery. I am so poor! Things are ridiculous. I'm so depressed over these money issues. I don't know how things will ever get better, they just seem worse and worse every day.

I had tried a little retail business on the side, but that never worked out, just left me with a loan to pay off and inventory I can't seem to get rid of.

Things are just so depressing.

All I can do is try to be strong for my little one.

I have no idea how to fix things though. All I can do is prayer, and take 1 step at a time.

Changes

I love my little girl. I wouldn't trade having her for the world. But I mourn the life I had before. Specifically the relationship I had with my husband. Things have changed. I have changed. And we don't seem to fit together as well as we used to. I guess I've become insecure and needy. And he's not the type to bend to my needs. So it's hard. I think I've cried more over this than I've ever cried since we first hooked up. If I knew before what I know now, I'd still have my baby girl...but I would have adjusted my mindset differently to deal with these new dynamics of our relationship. I've lost what we once had. Just typing that makes my tears flow. But I have to remember, you can't change people to be who you want or do what you want, you can only change yourself.
I'm ashamed of the mess I've become, but I can't undo all I've done, didn't do or said. I just have to try to move forward now and be someone better.
Hey, I'll just fake till I make it in the meantime.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from bmobile.

Survive first month - Check!

So I survived the first month of Mommyhood. I must say, my daughter is an angel, so it made it easier, but still...having a new born, especially a preemie newborn, is tough!

Breastfeeding was (is...) my biggest challenge. At first baby girl was too young to have a good sucking reflex, so it took her a couple of days to get the sucking thing down. And then there are the sore and cracked nipples to deal with!! And even though we are doing much better now, I still can't say I enjoy breastfeeding. My boobs ache ALL THE TIME! And from the feedback I'm getting from other moms, that's not a common complaint. But 5 minutes after she feeds, i can feel my boobs filling up again, and they are always heavy and achy, and I even get these sharp lancing pains running through them. How long do I have to live with this? Until I stop breastfeeding? How annoying! But I do it for my girly. She needs all the health advantages I can give her. After all, with my high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia, and having to be born early, I've already cheated her out of those last 3.5 weeks of life in her warm cozy home in my uterus, where she hadn't a care in the world, and where she didn't have to fight up with the boob and my wonky flat right nipple to get food.

Lol! That wonky right nipple...those first couple of weeks trying to feed her from that boob was so torturous for us both. Poor baby! She was so distressed whenever I brought her close to the boob it was like a punishment to her. I swear she's had nightmares where the evil "tut tut" is being shoved into her face!!! Lol! Poor angel. But we have a good(ish) thing going now.

So anyway, we've both survive our first month together. I heard that's the hardest part. My next goal is to get back into sharing a bed with my husband. I spent the first month sleeping in the living room with baby girl. I was trying to give hubby a chance to sleep through the night, since he had to work. Tonight is Saturday and I finally decided to bring the crib into the bedroom, thinking it would be ok if baby wakes him up a bit, cause he can sleep late tomorrow...but instead he decided he'd take my place outside in the living room on the couch....I should have seen that coming :-S Truthfully, I'm just glad I get to spend the night in a bed again.

Oops, I hear baby girl waking! Time to wipe out that boob again!!!
More thoughts at another ungodly hour.
Until then, sleep well
(someday I'll sleep through the night again)

New Baby

Tonight is the last night of my daughter's first month of life. Tomorrow she will be 1 month old. Gosh and it was a journey to bring her into the world.

I was having the IDEAL pregnancy. No problems, no symptoms, so sickness or cravings. Not even a mood swing! Everything was going great until week 32. Then all of a sudden my blood pressure started raising, and slowly but surely all my plans of a natural child birth at a birthing centre, surrounded by my midwife, doula, husband and whatever family I invited all turned to mush.

By week 35 I was hospitalized for almost a week, until I got fed up and checked myself out of the hospital against medical advice.

By week 36 my doctor sent me back to the hospital to induce me to have my baby. After going through the whole night in labour, I ended up having to do an emergency C-section to get baby girl out. Finally, at 6:48am on 24th January 2013, my baby daughter was born. My first child. My only child...no way I want to go through that pregnancy experience again...I barely survived the first time!!

My little (premature) miracle baby was born at a tiny 4lbs, but needing absolutely no NICU time or medical help. She's such a little trooper! I'm so proud of her.