Life is kicking my ass

Life is kicking my ass these days!
I picked up a stomach bug yesterday, and spent the day either sitting on or hugging the porcelain throne. :( And today my stomach is in PAIN!

And I don't seem to be sleeping well, I keep trying to sleep while baby is sleeping, but can't. In fact, while she's up I keep trying to get her back asleep, struggling to stay awake myself, but the moment she's down...I don't seem to be able to sleep. And when I finally fall asleep, she wakes up!

And it seems nothing is going right with my application for National Insurance reimbursement. I keep trying to apply and they keep rejecting it, saying I'm missing this or that paperwork. And to make matters worse, I seemed to have lost all my original documents. Can't find my birth certificate, can't find my marriage certificate...no idea where all my papers have disappeared to! I'm normally so organized! Where is all my stuff?!? *sigh*

So in the meantime, National Insurance can't pay the half salary that they are supposed to, and so we have too little money to cover all the bills. Just 1 stress after the other. Not to mention the fact that I need to reimburse my Father-in-law for as much of the $40,000 he paid for my C-section. And I have a maxed out $45,000 credit card. And I'm still trying to get $4000 that I still owe my OB for the delivery. I am so poor! Things are ridiculous. I'm so depressed over these money issues. I don't know how things will ever get better, they just seem worse and worse every day.

I had tried a little retail business on the side, but that never worked out, just left me with a loan to pay off and inventory I can't seem to get rid of.

Things are just so depressing.

All I can do is try to be strong for my little one.

I have no idea how to fix things though. All I can do is prayer, and take 1 step at a time.

Changes

I love my little girl. I wouldn't trade having her for the world. But I mourn the life I had before. Specifically the relationship I had with my husband. Things have changed. I have changed. And we don't seem to fit together as well as we used to. I guess I've become insecure and needy. And he's not the type to bend to my needs. So it's hard. I think I've cried more over this than I've ever cried since we first hooked up. If I knew before what I know now, I'd still have my baby girl...but I would have adjusted my mindset differently to deal with these new dynamics of our relationship. I've lost what we once had. Just typing that makes my tears flow. But I have to remember, you can't change people to be who you want or do what you want, you can only change yourself.
I'm ashamed of the mess I've become, but I can't undo all I've done, didn't do or said. I just have to try to move forward now and be someone better.
Hey, I'll just fake till I make it in the meantime.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device available from bmobile.

Survive first month - Check!

So I survived the first month of Mommyhood. I must say, my daughter is an angel, so it made it easier, but still...having a new born, especially a preemie newborn, is tough!

Breastfeeding was (is...) my biggest challenge. At first baby girl was too young to have a good sucking reflex, so it took her a couple of days to get the sucking thing down. And then there are the sore and cracked nipples to deal with!! And even though we are doing much better now, I still can't say I enjoy breastfeeding. My boobs ache ALL THE TIME! And from the feedback I'm getting from other moms, that's not a common complaint. But 5 minutes after she feeds, i can feel my boobs filling up again, and they are always heavy and achy, and I even get these sharp lancing pains running through them. How long do I have to live with this? Until I stop breastfeeding? How annoying! But I do it for my girly. She needs all the health advantages I can give her. After all, with my high blood pressure and pre-eclampsia, and having to be born early, I've already cheated her out of those last 3.5 weeks of life in her warm cozy home in my uterus, where she hadn't a care in the world, and where she didn't have to fight up with the boob and my wonky flat right nipple to get food.

Lol! That wonky right nipple...those first couple of weeks trying to feed her from that boob was so torturous for us both. Poor baby! She was so distressed whenever I brought her close to the boob it was like a punishment to her. I swear she's had nightmares where the evil "tut tut" is being shoved into her face!!! Lol! Poor angel. But we have a good(ish) thing going now.

So anyway, we've both survive our first month together. I heard that's the hardest part. My next goal is to get back into sharing a bed with my husband. I spent the first month sleeping in the living room with baby girl. I was trying to give hubby a chance to sleep through the night, since he had to work. Tonight is Saturday and I finally decided to bring the crib into the bedroom, thinking it would be ok if baby wakes him up a bit, cause he can sleep late tomorrow...but instead he decided he'd take my place outside in the living room on the couch....I should have seen that coming :-S Truthfully, I'm just glad I get to spend the night in a bed again.

Oops, I hear baby girl waking! Time to wipe out that boob again!!!
More thoughts at another ungodly hour.
Until then, sleep well
(someday I'll sleep through the night again)

New Baby

Tonight is the last night of my daughter's first month of life. Tomorrow she will be 1 month old. Gosh and it was a journey to bring her into the world.

I was having the IDEAL pregnancy. No problems, no symptoms, so sickness or cravings. Not even a mood swing! Everything was going great until week 32. Then all of a sudden my blood pressure started raising, and slowly but surely all my plans of a natural child birth at a birthing centre, surrounded by my midwife, doula, husband and whatever family I invited all turned to mush.

By week 35 I was hospitalized for almost a week, until I got fed up and checked myself out of the hospital against medical advice.

By week 36 my doctor sent me back to the hospital to induce me to have my baby. After going through the whole night in labour, I ended up having to do an emergency C-section to get baby girl out. Finally, at 6:48am on 24th January 2013, my baby daughter was born. My first child. My only child...no way I want to go through that pregnancy experience again...I barely survived the first time!!

My little (premature) miracle baby was born at a tiny 4lbs, but needing absolutely no NICU time or medical help. She's such a little trooper! I'm so proud of her.