Christening tomorrow

Baby girl is 4 months old day! I can hardly believe it. And tomorrow we'll be Christening her.

I feel so frustrated with DH right now, I feel as if he hasn't done a thing to help me with this Christening. He's bearly been involved at all. We're having a little get together after the church christening, at his parents' house. But I've been the one to do the majority of the organising. All he did was call the 4 families on his side of the guest list. Otherwise it's like pulling teeth with him!! Even just to sit and hash out all the details was such an ordeal!! And now I've been pointing out things that we didn't do today that we should have, and that we have to do tomorrow and he's so....don't-care-ish! And now, he's sleeping on the couch....He really really has been driving me crazy lately. I honestly don't feel like he's in this parenting thing with me all the way. And it makes me want to cry. I think he feels "been there done that" and just couldn't be bothered. Sure he spends time with LO, but I can't say if he really actively seeks out and wants to. He talks big, but his actions don't reflect it. He took no days off when we first got home from the hospital when she was born, he went partying twice 2 weeks later (I'll still never forgive him for that), even now, usually once a week after work he'd stay out liming and drinking, and come home after she's in bed and drunk. And then hungover and miserable all teh next day. He obviously isn't rushing to spend time with her on those occassions!

*Sigh* I love him but he breaks my heart. And I know he loves her, but...not enough to change or bend his lifestyle I guess.

And now that I have LO to deal with, I've kind of had to step away from parenting SD cause I don't have enough time. And I've been trying to leave things in his hands, but he can be so self centred sometimes!! Tonight he ate dinner at 8pm, our normal dinner time. But he never even put out for SD or asked if she was hungry and ready to eat! So I tried to leave it alone and see if he'd remember her, but by 9 I had to call her to come and eat dinner, and put out her food. Why do I have to do this, why isn't he remembering to take care of his child? *Sigh* Is this how Husbands are?Is this "normal" behaviour? Or is something deeper wrong here?

I just wish I had my best friend back to help my raise this child with. The decision to get pregnant was NOT mine alone! He wanted it just as much. In fact, he was teh one who used to talk about it more than me! So how did I lose him?

Once again, I seem to have given up everything for this one thing, isn't that something. It was worth it, but it breaks my heart to pieces.



"One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

It's Friday! A full week complete!

Ok, this week was my first full week of work. It's great to reach Friday!
My little darling has been doing so well though. The first 2 days were tough for her, she didn't want to take the bottle. And when I picked her up on an evening, she'd be desperate to nurse, and she'd nurse every hour until bedtime.
But by day 3, which was last week Friday, she was doing great and drinking almost 3oz per feeding.
She still likes to cluster feed all evening, but I don't mind. It's good bonding time for us.
She's doing so well with my mom. She's learning new things every day.
Now my MIL wants her. I had hoped my MIL would come to my house to mind her, but now, because my FIL is sick, she can't come down here, but she still wants to mind baby now and then when I'm at work :-/ So she's offered to come and pick her up on a morning and I pick her back up on an evening. It sucks though cause then I won't be able to go and visit LO and nurse her at lunchtime. It's breaking my heart to allow my MIL to take her. But I've finally given in and she'll be going there on Monday. She actually asked/pushed for her on Monday AND Tuesday, but I can't handle that! So I'll have to break it to her that it will just be Monday.
As it is I'm paranoid about it. She's so different from my mother...I know my mother's parenting style and I'm confident and comfortable with it. And my mother is younger and fitter. I just am finding it so hard to trust my MIL. *sigh* Does she know what she's asking for, to mind a little 4 month old? LO still needs constant entertainment and attention. It's really exhausting! Can she handle it? Will she be leaving my baby crying in a bedroom? *sigh* It's so hard to let go and trust her...but I guess I have to.
Anyway, that's Monday, I have days in between. Let's not think about it anymore.
We're Christening LO next weekend. That's drama in itself, but I'll get into that next time.
I'm getting tired, I think I'll go lie down now.

Back out to work

So Maternity Leave is done and I'm back out to work today. I had to leave her with my mom. It wasn't too awful, I guess I've been preparing mentally for so long that by this morning I had accepted the inevitable. Although, I have to admit, I shed some silent tears on my pillow last night.
It's after 10am now and I'm in a toilet stall at work expressing milk, lol! So far so good.
......
Ok, it's now 3:30 and I'm back in the bathroom expressing again! Went to my mom's at lunchtime to see and nurse baby. She was sleeping though :-( Which actually worked out ok cause I got a chance to eat lunch first then eventually work her up to nurse. I got to love her up a little then it was back to work! I'm still doing ok. Just less than an hour and I can go get her!!
......
It's 10:17pm and I about to jump into bed. I'm exhausted! Picked her up, and since nursed like 5 times since then. Poor thing hardly drank from her bottle at all today and just wants to nurse and cuddle. I love her, I'm so sorry she had a hard day! And I hate having to put her through it again tomorrow! My poor baby! Too. Exhausted. To. Write. More...zzzzzzzzz
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Couch Husband

Baby's over 14 weeks old and my husband still won't sleep in the bedroom with us. The bugger was complaining today how sleeping on the couch has his back hurting and I tried to convince him to come back to our bed, but he's sleeping on the couch outside again. I miss him. I know he is a light sleeper though and its hard for him to fall back asleep when he wakes up...but she doesn't wake up often, usually just once. And a weekend is the perfect time to come back to the bed, cause if anything, he won't have to wake up early for work. I hope he comes back soon. Although I must admit I like having the bed to myself and can bring LO onto it to snuggle and fall back to sleep in the morning.
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