Confession

The other tidbit I want to share isn’t a good one. And I haven’t told anyone about it, so I really needed to share with someone.

Last night I was putting her to sleep. And she fell asleep on the bed with me as usual but she wasn’t sleeping deeply as yet so I decided to leave her for a while for I put her in her crib. So I left her on the bed (she naps on the bed lots of times on weekends) surrounded by pillows while I went outside.

About an hour later, hubby and I heard her cry out like she’d woken up. But I told him let’s leave her a moment and see if she falls back to sleep. I suddenly remembered I’d left her on the bed though, so I jumped up quickly and went to the bedroom scared she wakes up enough to try to climb down the bed (which she’s never done, but who knows when she’d start trying!). I got into the room and the light was off so I stared at the bed looking for her, and had a moment of absolute confusion (too confused to panic) when I didn’t see her…until I noticed her lying on the floor sleeping!!! OMG!! She obviously rolled off the bed, cried out and fell instantly back to sleep!!! It’s kind of funny, and my bed isn’t very high, but oh my God that was scary and embarrassing!! I picked her up (she stayed asleep the whole time) and put her in her crib. I was so scared that maybe she’s not sleeping, maybe she was knocked out, but thank God, she was fine. I kept squeezing areas to make sure nothing was hurt or damaged, and then kept going in to check on her every 20 mins to make sure she was really was ok.

I mean, she’s fine now, so I can say it was kind of funny that she rolled off the bed and basically slept through it. But oh my. Poor little thing. With her prayers tonight I had to give her Guardian Angel some extra thanks. *sigh*            

Hugs

I’m not very good with finding time to post, sorry. This little one has me so busy that when I finally get ME time, all I want to do it relax. I guess the truth is that I DO have the time to post, I just choose to do otherwise :-(
Not that anyone is reading right now anyway, but it's still a nice thought that my thoughts and feelings are floating out there in Cyberspace.
That's a lie, it's actually a scary thought...It scare me still to be so open. But then I comfort myself by remembering that no one is really reading anyway lol :-)




Anyway, something so wonderful happened that I just had to share.

I got my first genuine love-hug last Saturday 8^th Feb. It was bedtime, and we had just gone into the bedroom, turned off the lights, and I was holding her and walking to the bed when she reached her 2 arms around my neck, lay her head on my chest and hugged me. It was the sweetest thing in the world. It was completely all her, all genuine and unprovoked/requested and just about the absolute best thing in the world.
As mummy, I don’t seem to get as many hugs and kisses as others like daddy and sister, so this was just such a wonderful affirmation that she loves me (not that I ever doubted) and knows how important I am in her world.

Oh! And after that hug, she rested her head on my chest for a while too. She’s too sweet, my little angel.

Tale of Two Insomniacs

This has not been a good sleep week for us. Sunday night was rough with baby girl waking up. We didn't get much sleep that night, and I had to wake up at 7am, while she soared the skies of dreamland. Bugger!
On Monday I was determined, no matter how tired I felt that evening, that I'd start the gym that night after I put girlie to bed. For once everything went smoothly, and she fell asleep right away, and I was able to run away to the gym. I'm happy to say, I pushed through and worked my little tushy (and non-existent abs) off!! Got home, cleaned up the small messes hubby didn't get to, and tumbled into bed satisfied. Girlie woke at 3:30am as per her usual torture routine these nights, but we got through the festivities mostly unscathed.  Then came Tuesday…
All day at work I was zombie-like. Thank goodness I've gotten good at scattering paper around my desk and shuffling them around to look busy!  Had my usual morning cup of java first thing in the morning. That wasn't enough to get me fired as one of the extras of The Walking Dead, so I had a second. Trudged through the day exerting as little energy as possible, until that afternoon when I passed a co-worker's desk and smelled what seemed like Heaven in a cup. Coffee! But another cup? Do I dare? Hells yeah! And suddenly all was right with the world again. To paraphrase Goldfinger, it made me wanna kiss all the puppy dogs, smell the flowers and plant a tree, I gotta say that Coffee, he's da bomb!

*BOOM!!!*

Flash forward to 7:30pm. Putting little one to sleep. She tossed and turned and rolled and wiggled, quarrelled to sleep in her crib. I eventually pulled her onto the bed to cuddle and hopefully fall asleep. I may have dozed for 20 minutes as well, but I looked up at 8:30 and she was finally asleep. So I snuck her into her crib and went outside to do the usual nighttime/before bed chores. Kissed hubby good night, left him in front the TV while I jumped into bed to sleep at 10pm…or so I thought. My body wasn't ready to knock out yet, so I played some games on my phone before sleeping…Flash to 11pm, hubby jumps into bed just as I put away my phone. Yay, sleep time! Or so I thought…Now it's my turn to toss and turn and roll and wiggle…12am Maybe I can read a while and that will help me fall asleep….1am The reading didn't work, but I feel the Sandman's grains making my eyes heavy at last…And suddenly, little one wakes up. And no amount of patting, shushing, or rubbing her back will help. I pull her out of bed and go warm up her bottle (way earlier than normal, but I'm trying anything). Bring her back to bed and feed her. She drinks, til she's full, and she's still up. I decide to lay her down between daddy and I. Toss and turn and roll and wiggle, sticking her foot in daddy's mouth, grabbing daddy's nose, climbing, and all sorts of antics. Poor hubby gets the brunt of it. Hell, my sleep is already shot for the night, it's 2am and I haven't slept yet, so may as well try and save hubby more torture. So I whisk her outside and walk her vigorously up and down the living room and kitchen. Nothing. Even in my arms she's wiggling non-stop. That's obviously not working so I squirrel us away to a dark corner of the couch and basically keep her captive til she's so bored she falls asleep. Finally at 3am I take her back to our room, put her in her crib and fall asleep myself. Til 3 hours later the blare of the alarm wakes me up and the cycle starts again.

Oh the joys.

Colour me Red

My hair is a mess! I have so many greys I think I could pass for girlie's grandma! And I haven't cut my hair in months. I asked my husband since the beginning of November to let me know an afternoon that he could pick up girlie from my mom's after work, so that I could be free to go do my hair. 3 weeks pass, and I look haggier and haggier by the day!! So I put my foot down last Thursday. "Honey, how's my hair looking? Kinda crappy right? That's cause you won't give me a chance to go do my hair!! Do you want to walk around with me looking like this? Isn't it embarrassing to you? I don't have to look at me, but you do, don't you wish I would do my hair?!? I'm going to the salon tomorrow, so pick up the baby after work!!!" That worked J He complained vehemently about my taking away is Friday evening when he was planning to go have some drinks with the boys but tough luck!

So finally I cut my hair, but I didn't have time or money to have the salon colour it, so I bought a beautiful Red Revlon ColorSilk Luminista.

                                                                                     

The nest day, Saturday, Hubby had to step out, and it was just little one and me at home. So I timed her, so that when she went down for her nap, I'd quickly colour my hair and have it washed out by the time she wakes up. Man (or Woman in this case) makes plans and God laughs!

After walking her vigorously throughout the house, then standing with her in front the fan and singing, she finally falls asleep. And the clock starts!!  I quickly read the instructions (I've coloured my hair thousands of times, but I MUST read the instructions first every time :-S Weird huh?) and get started. JUST as I finished applying all the colour to my hair I hear her screams! I freeze…what to do? Leave her? Maybe she'll fall back asleep…Pick her up? But what about the dye in my hair? And how will I ever wash it out with that little monkey attached to me? So I tried to leave her while my hair colour developed. But she bawled and screamed, and there was no way she was going back to sleep. So I dug through the dust incrusted cupboard under the sink and found a plastic shower cap, threw that on, and yanked her out the crib. Poor thing was sobbing by that time!!! Poor little darling! *sigh*

She was fascinated by the cap on my head, but happily she did not try to grab it off. So we played for the 30 minutes while the colour developed, but now it was crunch time, time to wash out my hair. What to do with the squirming wiggly little thing? *Ping!!* I know what to do! So I drag her highchair into my very tiny bathroom, grab some baby snacks and BINGO! Plop her into her chair right in front the shower (the bathroom's really tiny, so there's no other choice anyway), leave the shower curtains open while I bathe and feed her puffs. She's most amused to watch the red flow out my hair, and sits back with her snacks and takes in the scene. Amazingly she actually sat quietly for the whole thing, just screaming up at me when she was ready for more puffs.

Lol, it worked out well! A mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do to get through!

Started Solids

It's been such a long time since I posted, so this is a long post! Be warned!! :-)

She’s going to be 29 Weeks old tomorrow, she’s about 6.75 months old. She’s getting so big so fast! I can’t believe how fast it passes…more than half a year old!

She’s been exclusively breastfeed for the first 6 months, and on her 6^th month birthday she had her very first “solid”! Happy Bellies Oatmeal cereal. She loves it at first, she really enjoyed that meal. After that first day though, she was neither here nor there about it. I didn’t push the issue and feed it to her every day. But by now, mom has taken over feeding cereal to her every morning. To me, it’s not a necessary food, I’d rather feed real foods! Like Apple! That was the next feed we’ve given her…but not as baby food, it was a proper rectangular slice of apple that she held on to and sucked the dear life out of. She loved it!

I’ve given her a couple of pieces since then, she loves sucking it…I think she’s had like 4 pieces total. Yesterday may have been the last time I give her for a while…I’m not sure I’m ready for this Baby Lead Weaning type feeding…she started gagging on a small piece of apple that must have gone down her throat, and as much as in my head I was saying “it’s ok, don’t panic, it’s just her natural reaction to something solid going down her throat, she’s not choking”, I PANICED and just about stuck my entire finger down her throat to see if anything was lodged in there! She was fine of course, but I wasn’t, and that was the end of the Apple….

Oh, she had a lick of a strawberry as the 3 thing she ever tasted. The inside of course, after I’d bitten it. That was so funny to see. I guess it’s very tangy, so her face was almost disgusted, but she kept going back to it to taste again J

Then on 10^th Aug I feed her her first puree. I really had grand intentions of feeding a vegetable first, following the theory that if she starts on fruits she may not like less sweet things like veggies. But I got to over-zealous, and there was a ripening Mango on the counter, so I did that for her. I just cut off a face, and strained it through a strainer/sieve. It was a Julie Mango, so not much fibers, all juicy mango goodness. Quick and easy to prepare.

I thought it was gonna blow her mind, I thought she’d love it….No big reaction. We feed her the mango once a day for 4 days 10^th – 13^th (I feed her Saturday 10^th, Sunday, and mom give her Monday and Tuesday). And all that time…no big excitement. Well, if MANGO doesn’t excite her, I have no real hope for her loving all the other things to come!!

Today I gave her Sweet Potato. I had baked it last night (50 mins in the oven at 350°) and when it was cooled, just scooped it out, mushed it up with a fork, but wasn’t satisfied, so threw it in a little food processor for a couple of minutes, then portioned out 1 big teaspoonful per contained. I wanted to be the one to feed it to her for the first time, so I didn’t send mummy any food for her. (I think she was very disappointed, but I’M the mom, so I don’t really care). So this evening when I was ready to feed her, I mixed in for breastmilk, and feed her. I think this was the most texture she’s ever experienced, and she was not impressed. She did a lot of gagging (no panic from momma this time!!) But we played through it, and I praised her a lot, and sang, and played, so in the end she eat a lot of it (almost almost all). I didn’t want the lumpiness and the gagging to leave her with a bad taste in her mouth (hehe, see what I did there?!?) so I tried to make things as happy and playful as possible. So all in all the sweet potatoes went well. And I’ll give mom to feed her more. I think I may feed her in the evening too, or maybe even feed her mango in the evening, I have some in the freezer I can give her. I can’t wait to start her on something else new!

Christening tomorrow

Baby girl is 4 months old day! I can hardly believe it. And tomorrow we'll be Christening her.

I feel so frustrated with DH right now, I feel as if he hasn't done a thing to help me with this Christening. He's bearly been involved at all. We're having a little get together after the church christening, at his parents' house. But I've been the one to do the majority of the organising. All he did was call the 4 families on his side of the guest list. Otherwise it's like pulling teeth with him!! Even just to sit and hash out all the details was such an ordeal!! And now I've been pointing out things that we didn't do today that we should have, and that we have to do tomorrow and he's so....don't-care-ish! And now, he's sleeping on the couch....He really really has been driving me crazy lately. I honestly don't feel like he's in this parenting thing with me all the way. And it makes me want to cry. I think he feels "been there done that" and just couldn't be bothered. Sure he spends time with LO, but I can't say if he really actively seeks out and wants to. He talks big, but his actions don't reflect it. He took no days off when we first got home from the hospital when she was born, he went partying twice 2 weeks later (I'll still never forgive him for that), even now, usually once a week after work he'd stay out liming and drinking, and come home after she's in bed and drunk. And then hungover and miserable all teh next day. He obviously isn't rushing to spend time with her on those occassions!

*Sigh* I love him but he breaks my heart. And I know he loves her, but...not enough to change or bend his lifestyle I guess.

And now that I have LO to deal with, I've kind of had to step away from parenting SD cause I don't have enough time. And I've been trying to leave things in his hands, but he can be so self centred sometimes!! Tonight he ate dinner at 8pm, our normal dinner time. But he never even put out for SD or asked if she was hungry and ready to eat! So I tried to leave it alone and see if he'd remember her, but by 9 I had to call her to come and eat dinner, and put out her food. Why do I have to do this, why isn't he remembering to take care of his child? *Sigh* Is this how Husbands are?Is this "normal" behaviour? Or is something deeper wrong here?

I just wish I had my best friend back to help my raise this child with. The decision to get pregnant was NOT mine alone! He wanted it just as much. In fact, he was teh one who used to talk about it more than me! So how did I lose him?

Once again, I seem to have given up everything for this one thing, isn't that something. It was worth it, but it breaks my heart to pieces.



"One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

It's Friday! A full week complete!

Ok, this week was my first full week of work. It's great to reach Friday!
My little darling has been doing so well though. The first 2 days were tough for her, she didn't want to take the bottle. And when I picked her up on an evening, she'd be desperate to nurse, and she'd nurse every hour until bedtime.
But by day 3, which was last week Friday, she was doing great and drinking almost 3oz per feeding.
She still likes to cluster feed all evening, but I don't mind. It's good bonding time for us.
She's doing so well with my mom. She's learning new things every day.
Now my MIL wants her. I had hoped my MIL would come to my house to mind her, but now, because my FIL is sick, she can't come down here, but she still wants to mind baby now and then when I'm at work :-/ So she's offered to come and pick her up on a morning and I pick her back up on an evening. It sucks though cause then I won't be able to go and visit LO and nurse her at lunchtime. It's breaking my heart to allow my MIL to take her. But I've finally given in and she'll be going there on Monday. She actually asked/pushed for her on Monday AND Tuesday, but I can't handle that! So I'll have to break it to her that it will just be Monday.
As it is I'm paranoid about it. She's so different from my mother...I know my mother's parenting style and I'm confident and comfortable with it. And my mother is younger and fitter. I just am finding it so hard to trust my MIL. *sigh* Does she know what she's asking for, to mind a little 4 month old? LO still needs constant entertainment and attention. It's really exhausting! Can she handle it? Will she be leaving my baby crying in a bedroom? *sigh* It's so hard to let go and trust her...but I guess I have to.
Anyway, that's Monday, I have days in between. Let's not think about it anymore.
We're Christening LO next weekend. That's drama in itself, but I'll get into that next time.
I'm getting tired, I think I'll go lie down now.