Christening tomorrow

Baby girl is 4 months old day! I can hardly believe it. And tomorrow we'll be Christening her.

I feel so frustrated with DH right now, I feel as if he hasn't done a thing to help me with this Christening. He's bearly been involved at all. We're having a little get together after the church christening, at his parents' house. But I've been the one to do the majority of the organising. All he did was call the 4 families on his side of the guest list. Otherwise it's like pulling teeth with him!! Even just to sit and hash out all the details was such an ordeal!! And now I've been pointing out things that we didn't do today that we should have, and that we have to do tomorrow and he's so....don't-care-ish! And now, he's sleeping on the couch....He really really has been driving me crazy lately. I honestly don't feel like he's in this parenting thing with me all the way. And it makes me want to cry. I think he feels "been there done that" and just couldn't be bothered. Sure he spends time with LO, but I can't say if he really actively seeks out and wants to. He talks big, but his actions don't reflect it. He took no days off when we first got home from the hospital when she was born, he went partying twice 2 weeks later (I'll still never forgive him for that), even now, usually once a week after work he'd stay out liming and drinking, and come home after she's in bed and drunk. And then hungover and miserable all teh next day. He obviously isn't rushing to spend time with her on those occassions!

*Sigh* I love him but he breaks my heart. And I know he loves her, but...not enough to change or bend his lifestyle I guess.

And now that I have LO to deal with, I've kind of had to step away from parenting SD cause I don't have enough time. And I've been trying to leave things in his hands, but he can be so self centred sometimes!! Tonight he ate dinner at 8pm, our normal dinner time. But he never even put out for SD or asked if she was hungry and ready to eat! So I tried to leave it alone and see if he'd remember her, but by 9 I had to call her to come and eat dinner, and put out her food. Why do I have to do this, why isn't he remembering to take care of his child? *Sigh* Is this how Husbands are?Is this "normal" behaviour? Or is something deeper wrong here?

I just wish I had my best friend back to help my raise this child with. The decision to get pregnant was NOT mine alone! He wanted it just as much. In fact, he was teh one who used to talk about it more than me! So how did I lose him?

Once again, I seem to have given up everything for this one thing, isn't that something. It was worth it, but it breaks my heart to pieces.



"One Thing" - Finger Eleven

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
It’s nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I don’t want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

It's Friday! A full week complete!

Ok, this week was my first full week of work. It's great to reach Friday!
My little darling has been doing so well though. The first 2 days were tough for her, she didn't want to take the bottle. And when I picked her up on an evening, she'd be desperate to nurse, and she'd nurse every hour until bedtime.
But by day 3, which was last week Friday, she was doing great and drinking almost 3oz per feeding.
She still likes to cluster feed all evening, but I don't mind. It's good bonding time for us.
She's doing so well with my mom. She's learning new things every day.
Now my MIL wants her. I had hoped my MIL would come to my house to mind her, but now, because my FIL is sick, she can't come down here, but she still wants to mind baby now and then when I'm at work :-/ So she's offered to come and pick her up on a morning and I pick her back up on an evening. It sucks though cause then I won't be able to go and visit LO and nurse her at lunchtime. It's breaking my heart to allow my MIL to take her. But I've finally given in and she'll be going there on Monday. She actually asked/pushed for her on Monday AND Tuesday, but I can't handle that! So I'll have to break it to her that it will just be Monday.
As it is I'm paranoid about it. She's so different from my mother...I know my mother's parenting style and I'm confident and comfortable with it. And my mother is younger and fitter. I just am finding it so hard to trust my MIL. *sigh* Does she know what she's asking for, to mind a little 4 month old? LO still needs constant entertainment and attention. It's really exhausting! Can she handle it? Will she be leaving my baby crying in a bedroom? *sigh* It's so hard to let go and trust her...but I guess I have to.
Anyway, that's Monday, I have days in between. Let's not think about it anymore.
We're Christening LO next weekend. That's drama in itself, but I'll get into that next time.
I'm getting tired, I think I'll go lie down now.

Back out to work

So Maternity Leave is done and I'm back out to work today. I had to leave her with my mom. It wasn't too awful, I guess I've been preparing mentally for so long that by this morning I had accepted the inevitable. Although, I have to admit, I shed some silent tears on my pillow last night.
It's after 10am now and I'm in a toilet stall at work expressing milk, lol! So far so good.
......
Ok, it's now 3:30 and I'm back in the bathroom expressing again! Went to my mom's at lunchtime to see and nurse baby. She was sleeping though :-( Which actually worked out ok cause I got a chance to eat lunch first then eventually work her up to nurse. I got to love her up a little then it was back to work! I'm still doing ok. Just less than an hour and I can go get her!!
......
It's 10:17pm and I about to jump into bed. I'm exhausted! Picked her up, and since nursed like 5 times since then. Poor thing hardly drank from her bottle at all today and just wants to nurse and cuddle. I love her, I'm so sorry she had a hard day! And I hate having to put her through it again tomorrow! My poor baby! Too. Exhausted. To. Write. More...zzzzzzzzz
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Couch Husband

Baby's over 14 weeks old and my husband still won't sleep in the bedroom with us. The bugger was complaining today how sleeping on the couch has his back hurting and I tried to convince him to come back to our bed, but he's sleeping on the couch outside again. I miss him. I know he is a light sleeper though and its hard for him to fall back asleep when he wakes up...but she doesn't wake up often, usually just once. And a weekend is the perfect time to come back to the bed, cause if anything, he won't have to wake up early for work. I hope he comes back soon. Although I must admit I like having the bed to myself and can bring LO onto it to snuggle and fall back to sleep in the morning.
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Woes Part 2

*sigh* I'm sorry to turn this blog into complaints I've experienced as a Stepmom, but I know my husband wants no part of hearing about it, and I really need to vent.

So tomorrow is SD's birthday. And this week she was by her mom. But all of a sudden SD's Mom called up DH and says SD isn't gonna go to school tomorrow and will come over here for half day, and then the mother will pick her up. She now her mother brought her here this afternoon to spend the night and will pick her up at 12 noon tomorrow.
I have so many issues with this!
1) And this I guess is first and foremost: I HATE the assumption that she could just leave her home with me, and that I had no other plans that she's disrupting. True, I didn't have anything in mind, but honestly, these are my very last few days home alone with my LO and I really just enjoy the precious 1-on-1 time, lying in bed together, loving up, with no one interfering. I hate that no one even ASKED me if this plan was ok, seeing as I'M the one doing the baby-sitting!!!
2) WHY take the child out of school for her birthday?!? Sets a bad precedence. So she just chooses when she can stay home from school now?
3) This "plan" by the mother was supposedly so SD could spend time with daddy on her b'day...but daddy's working!! How will that make sense?!?  That was OBVIOUSLY a piece of crap excuse for the REAL reason for this asinine plan!!!! Which leads me to:
4) THE REAL REASON THE MOTHER SENT HER HERE IS BECAUSE SHE'S MOVING TOMORROW!! I'm sure it's the true reason for this "plan". So why the crap story?!? Why not just be truthful? Ask me if I can take care of her for half a day. Why the stories and lies? I hate those sneaky deceitful ways!!! I would have been so much sweeter and accommodating if she'd just asked. But instead, this whole situation has me riled up and aggressive, and I was very snippy at her, and maybe to SD too. And I'm trying to control my temper now, but she really pissed me off! And I wish I could tell off DH too, cause he helped to put me in this situation, by not giving me all the information, and then by agreeing to the stupid plan without consulting me! If I could have found something to do tomorrow, I would have told them I couldn't watch SD just to spit them all!!
Anyway, rant done for now, DH just got home....

Woes of a Step Mom

I am grateful for our blended family, and for the most part my step daughter's mom gives us no trouble, and we all get along fine. But every now and again she does something to aggravate the crap out of me and I just need to complain!!
I think my number 1 pet peeve is when she brings food for SD, or takes her out to do whatever, and ends up buying her junk food. All she ever buys is junk food, or snacks. But we generally have home cooked meals waiting on her at home! Does she feel that we don't feed SD? Why fill her up with junk?? And then the food we've cooked goes to waste, and she's pumped with unhealthy crap!
I also hate her interfering with how we run our household. She'll call SD up and tell her to do this or that, or ask stupid questions like, did you bathe and have you brushed our teeth. As if we don't take care of her...duh! Of course we're making sure she does all that stuff. Why do you feel you need to call and make sure. He's her FATHER! He can take care of her! AND he has me to help, 2 parents at this home, as opposed to her alone, babying every move SD makes (and she'll be 10 in a few days!!). So aggravating.
And finally, the least of the peeves, but still a big one...why much she come over to visit, or take her out while SD is spending her time with us? We share SD 1 week on, 1 week off...why steal her away from her time with Daddy...and now her baby sister. Forget me, I'm not important even though SD love me and I love her, but to me the most important is fostering those relationships. So why interfere? You have your time with her, leave us with ours!!!

Life as a Step Mom.
I'm not sure I truly have the right to these complaints, but it's how I feel. DH has his own differing complaints about her, and apparently doesn't want to "encourage me" by listening to mine. So I'll save my rant for here.

Breastfeeding Update

To all those Mommas out there who are now starting to breast feed: I know it’s hard, I know it sucks, and it hurts. I know your nipples are sore, and maybe even cracked and bleeding. And maybe baby isn’t doing it right, and you’re frustrated and ready to throw in the towel. But take my word for it…It gets better!

Give yourself 3-4 weeks, and I promise it starts to get better.

I had such a rough start. My baby was premature and her sucking reflex had not come in as yet, so I had to express drop by precious drop, starting first to gather in a little spoon, til later when I was able to machine-expressed into a bottle, 0.5oz at a time, and feed her from a little medicine cup. Finally, by day 5 she got a hang of sucking, and I was able to stop feeding her from the cup.

But it hurt so much; her little mouth couldn’t properly take in my whole breast, so she used to suck just the nipple. Sometimes I was in so much pain feeding her that I would cry streams while she sucked, and I had to count the seconds trying to separate myself from the pain, knowing she’d be done soon, and that I HAD to do this for my little baby.

My right nipple was very flat, so getting her to take that one was always more difficult. And then that one got cracked and started bleeding, and was hell to feed her from. By that point my poor husband, seeing me in all that pain, was practically begging me to feed her formula instead. But I was determined.

I had to feed her only from the left boob, and express the right in order to maintain my supply in it while it healed.
And eventually it did heal one day. But by then she had established the left boob as her favourite one, and the milk production was twice what the right made.

Weeks passed, and I was still miserable but determined to keep going. Breast feeding tied me down, and stole my time, but my little one was worth it. And eventually, the supply in my right almost matched that of my left.

And then one day I realized it wasn’t hurting any more. I didn’t LOVE breast feeding though; I found it messy and miserable and uncomfortable still, but bearable. And it’s best for my baby, so I was determined.

My little one is now 3 months old, and today I realized, I LOVE breast feeding her. I still think it’s messy (she’s a messy eater and pulls away a lot), and it’s still uncomfortable sometimes, and I still hide away from everyone when I need to feed her, too shy to feed in public, but I love doing it. And not just cause it’s best for her.

The bond you experience is so intimate. And the way she sometimes looks up at me and smiles while nursing absolutely melts my heart. I love that kid.
I’ll be starting back work in a little over a week, and I’m dreading being away from her, so I know that those feeding times will be even more special when we’re together again.

I aim to keep feeding her until she’s about 7 or 8 months, but now I completely understand those moms who continue to nurse until age 2 or even later. I don’t think I’ll be that mom, but I understand her better. And I hope to be able to give my precious baby this gift of liquid gold for as long as possible. I’m starting to wonder if I can wean her at 8 months but continue to express til she’s at least a year. We’ll see what happens. But I digress…

As I was saying at the beginning….

To all you new mothers out there now starting to breast feed, I promise it gets better, keep it up. I know it’s hard, but you’re strong, you just had a baby after all! It’s worth it to your baby, and it’s worth it for the bond you share together, that no one else can share. Keep it up, you can do it!